Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Big Long First Trimester Post Plus a Little More

We’re having a baby! I figured that was a pretty good reason to get back to blogging after a year’s hiatus. If you can call it a hiatus when you only really blogged for a few months to begin with. Whatever. Anyway, I wanted to start this up again if for no other reason than to record this new stage in our lives. It’s been a very joyful, queasy, and exciting ride thus far!

I’ll start at the beginning. Let me rewind to this past Christmas. My mom and sister were in town for the holidays and all was well until I contracted a nasty bout of bronchitis which rendered me useless for the last half of their stay. After they had gone home I continued to convalesce and ended up having to take prilosec for the first time ever. The antibiotics I was on had done a real number on my stomach. WELL I ended up with every side effect listed on the stupid box. Who even thinks of side effects with prilosec?! Its so common I didn’t even think there were any. Anyway, queue the migraines, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and fatigue. I remember thinking, as I was bent over the toilet for the first time since I was like twelve, this is making me really glad I’m not pregnant right now. Oh, the foreshadowing.

 Fast forward a few weeks, the medicine is finally leaving my system and I’m beginning to feel like a human being again and it’s my husband’s birthday. I’m ten days late but honestly think nothing of it because I’ve been known to skip whenever there’s a change in the norm, sickness and medication having been culprits. Anyway, I tell my husband and we decide to pick up a test just to rule it out. So into the bathroom I go just POSITIVE that we just wasted 16 bucks and I’m about to see a single line when BAM! No faint lines about it, there before me lies a bold as can be plus sign! My jaw literally dropped. It was getting to the point where we weren’t even sure if it was possible so to say that I was shocked is an understatement. I grabbed it and ran out of the bathroom panting ‘oh my gosh oh my gosh”, Josh sat bolt upright on the couch and said “what?!’, his eyes big as dinner plates and I just nodded my head yes and said “Happy Birthday!”

After the shock wore off we promptly called our families and told them the good news, all of the creative and pinterest-y announcement ideas out the window. I was just too excited! A few days later we went to the doctor for confirmation and got out first ultrasound of baby bean at 6 weeks. I was so ready for this! I resolved right away to start eating as healthy as possible and to start treadmilling it up after work and I did…for 2 days. And then it hit me; the soul crushing, life draining, horribly named “morning sickness”. I kid you not it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure (I know labor and breast feeding are coming so I’ll check back later to let you know if that changes). I think the hardest part was how unprepared I was. I mean, I would hear morning sickness and think ‘oh yeah I might get nauseous every once in a while but it’ll pass, it’s just part of this beautiful thing called pregnancy! After all, my mom didn’t have ANY morning sickness at all with any of us! I’ll be fine”.

Um no.  I was literally nauseous 24/7 and puking upwards of 10 times a day for 10 weeks. There was no break and no relief during that entire time. And you know what’s funny? Even now writing this where others might happen to read it makes me feel like I should be ashamed for “complaining” about it. The thing is, I want to be honest about how I felt because 1) it’s just true and it’s my story and 2) On the slim chance some poor girl googles “coping with morning sickness” like I did multiple times to save my sanity, she will see that she is not alone.

SO, there I was 6 weeks pregnant with what I knew was a precious gift growing inside of me and yet all I could think about was survival. It was so hard to comprehend that it was possible to be that sick for weeks or months. I remember lying on my bed thinking “how am I going to do this? “ I could barely walk down the hall without having to throw up. I seriously became a pro. I remember telling my boss at one point that I could basically throw up on command and that it was just a matter of holding off as long as possible.  Every smell in the house was suddenly repulsive, even good ones. I had to change deodereant, hand soaps, and my shampoo because yes, I did puke in the shower. Cooking ANYTHING became off limits, even pillows and blankets suddenly had a smell. My poor dog had to maintain a 5 foot radius around me at all times and I lived on crackers, grapes, tortillas, and applesauce.

I ended up having to reduce my work schedule and honestly didn’t see anyone other than my husband and coworkers until around week 10 when my friend insisted on coming over to binge watch Netflix with me and hold my hair back. I would literally cry to my husband every day and by cry I mean SOB sometimes uncontrollably. We would joke that it was the hormones but honestly I think it had a lot more to do with the fact that every day felt like too much and I just couldn’t handle it and the only way to keep going was to let it out. Coworkers and friends would ask me almost daily how I was feeling and I started to dread it because I felt bad saying “like death” every time. I just wanted to scream “this isn’t a cold! I’m not going to feel better in a week in fact I might very well be feeling like this for another 7 months!’ I knew people were being nice but it felt like I was disappointing everyone. People want to rejoice with you when they find out you’re pregnant and I simply couldn’t do it. When people asked me if I was excited I would plaster the smile on and say yes! So excited! But in reality I just wasn’t and I felt SO GUILTY. I began to google prenatal depression, fearing that it was a real possibility. I remember calling my mom and saying “this isn’t me!” I had waited my entire life to become a mom! Being a stay at home wife and mother had been my dream from a very young age and I just couldn’t believe that it had finally happened and I couldn’t muster up the excitement that I knew I should be feeling! My baby board on pinterest was bursting at the seams but now, nothing. I had no interest in picking name, decorating a nursery, planning a shower, or researching baby gear, all things that I thought I would be thrilled to do an d the guilt was overwhelming. My husband (who was an absolute angel/ superman through this whole thing), my mom, and anyone I confided in all told me that what I was feeling was completely normal for what I was going through and that once I started to feel better physically the rest would follow. During that time feeling better seemed so far away but I clung to the promise that it would pass, even if it wasn’t until that little babe was in my arms, it WOULD pass.

Around 12 weeks the puking dwindled down to 2 times a day (although the nausea persisted) and I felt hope. Week 14 brought my sister-in-law’s baby shower for her first (due in May!) and it kindled that excitement that I had been longing for. I started to plan my own shower and even took a little trip to Babies R Us a few days later. On the first day of week 16 I woke up and just laid there in disbelief. It was GONE. Just gone! As though someone had flipped a switch! I went to work that day and without me saying anything I had people coming up to me asking if I felt better and telling me I looked great! It was amazing. I am 19.5 weeks as I write this and I have woken up every morning for the past three and a half weeks praising Jesus and thanking Him for blessing me with every sick free day that goes by. I am back to eating healthy, in fact I am STARVING approximately every 2 hours. I’ve started stashing Kind bars in my purse, car, and desk.  One of the great things about the timing of my feeling better is that it coincided with some of the first real spring like days we’ve had. This Easter was especially significant because I truly felt like I had experienced new life in more ways than one. I had survived the dark days of winter and entered into this new season with joy and LIFE! I’m looking out of my window right now at the sun shining and a glorious 73 degrees wind blowing and I am loving the fact that I can go take a nice walk, take a deep breath, and NOT PUKE. Ha.

In other news, I felt the baby kick for the first time last weekend as we were sitting in a Bob Evan’s waiting for our food and it was just as amazing as everyone says it is. It didn’t feel like butterfly wings though, more like bubbles popping. So cool. Also, apparently my stomach finally decided to pop right around that time too which I am so excited about! I finally look pregnant and not like I just gained ten pounds. I LOVE it. Oooo our gender reveal ultrasound is happening this week and I can’t wait! I have had a few dreams that it is a boy and have been planning everything in my head as if it is. The funny thing is that I always thought that when the time came that I would want a girl but ever since having those dreams and really thinking about having a little boy I can honestly say I’m going to be thrilled either way!

That’s all for now!